I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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