I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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