I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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