You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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