I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
