the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
