Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
