Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
