I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
