My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
