I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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