I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
