Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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