Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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