everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
