I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
