Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
