Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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