Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
