Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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