Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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