a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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