Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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