remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
