we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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