she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
