What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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