i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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