I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
