Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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