he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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