I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
