I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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