You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
