I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
