We got so high we made milksteak
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
