At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
