i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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