I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
