i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
