my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
