You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
