Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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