is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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