Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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