she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
