some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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