I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
