You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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