plz talk dirty to me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
