I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
