so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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