I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
