oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
